


won't say i'm in love (but i am)

by haesuns



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Memories, also go read the other fics in the collection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-06 16:20:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20294419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haesuns/pseuds/haesuns
Summary: what do you do when the thoughts you hear in your head are those of your soulmate?na jaemin isn't sure. then again, he has no idea he even has a soulmate.





	won't say i'm in love (but i am)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jenomeow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenomeow/gifts).

> maybe this turned out more serious than intended, but i hope you enjoy 💓 more not-so-serious gifts for you incoming? who knows? hoping there aren't any mistakes D: title is random, ao3 won't let me add proper tags on mobile, sad world but at least we have nahyuck!

sometimes when jaemin hears his thoughts, they echo around in his mind, piercing him like a boom of thunder shrouded by stormy clouds. the winds of his storm whip through his soul and stir his heart, taking away his breath, submerging him in powerful currents until he finally breaks to the surface gasping for air. his thoughts tug him under, deeper, swallowing him with an indescribable yearning. he feels as though he's been brought to his knees and his eyes sting with tears; whether they're from the storm in his head or his heart, he doesn't know.

other times, his thoughts whisper and recede into nothingness, warm waves teasing at the tips of his toes before pulling away into the vast blue sea. his words are songs of the summer breeze, crisp and entrenched with sunrays and saltwater. his voice sounds like playful splashes of water on the beach from a faraway cove, present yet hidden away.

the thoughts that enter jaemin's minds, though, do no justice to their origin. they don't solidify into drowning storms nor calm summers, they aren't some fantastical poetic world of fantasy of masterfully woven tales and ancient books. rather, they take the form of a normal human boy, just as real and tangible as jaemin himself. and yet, nothing about the most beautiful songs and stories could ever amount to anything lee donghyuck is made of and the emotions he brings to jaemin's life.

the first time jaemin hears donghyuck's thoughts, it's like the air is stolen from his lungs. they sit together in the dewy morning grass, the sun barely peeking over the horizon and painting the sky with brilliant colors that seem to embody donghyuck's very being. he isn't sure what drove him to wake his friend up and urge him to watch the sunrise with jaemin, but donghyuck had agreed anyway, soft eyes heavy-lidded with traces of faraway dreams as he trudged up the hill by his side.

now they sit in front of the morning sun, and jaemin can't help the smile that finds its way onto his face when donghyuck tucks his knees to his torso, eyes fixed towards the sky. donghyuck turns to meet his eye, and jaemin lets his gaze linger before turning away and leaning back into the grass, uncaring if his clothes would soak with dew. even as he sits back, though, he feels the other boy's gaze burning into him. a sunray through the clouds. silence stretches between them, seconds ticking by.

"what are you looking at?" jaemin questions, a light teasing note to his voice, and he hears the soft rustle of grass as donghyuck shifts beside him.

"does it matter?" comes his reply, gaze quickly averted back to the horizon. however, jaemin hears something entirely different. it's not spoken out loud, but he hears the words inside his head, and his heart nearly stops.

_ you, of course. _

jaemin doesn't think much of the words in themselves. even within the confines of his mind, donghyuck seems almost careful in his thoughts, treading as if he were crossing a frozen winter lake that he fears he'll fall into. it’s not like he had said anything besides the truth. and yet, jaemin isn't sure what to think of the sudden experience. donghyuck hadn't spoken the words out loud no matter how many times he tells himself that the idea of mind reading doesn't make sense, but jaemin knows what he heard, and something in his mind shifts ever so slightly.

donghyuck gives him a warm smile and lets his back fall onto the grass next to him.

over time, jaemin learns that whatever was going on with hearing thoughts has nothing to do with mind reading. no matter what, he can't break into the thoughts of other people whether they were strangers or friends, nor can he hear donghyuck's thoughts at will. rather, his voice filters in at any given moment, startling jaemin at first but eventually becoming just a part of his life. he's not sure what to credit it to, but the smallest part of him hopes it has to do with his closeness to donghyuck. still, he doesn't want to get ahead of himself no matter how the thought delights him, so he stays quiet.

he catches thoughts both mundane and crucial, and on most days, a certain fondness comes with hearing donghyuck's voice in his head. he'll mentally complain about the weather, comment on himself in the mirror, note details about his everyday surroundings. they don't have to be in each other's presence, either, but jaemin finds it endlessly fascinating seeing how donghyuck's body language can either mask or express his inner thoughts, whether it's a carefully blank face or a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

but at the same time, jaemin is terrified. some days he sits in bed, and one of donghyuck's thoughts will arrive like a cloud of rain, soaking him with a grey exhaustion to his very core. it's in moments like these that jaemin wishes in his head that he wasn't aware of these emotions, feeling almost guilty both in the way he yearns for ignorance and in how he has to let donghyuck endure certain things alone.

one spring day, he hears a gentle rapping at his door, the noise almost lost in the harsh pelting of rain against his window but catching his attention nonetheless. he scrambles from where he sits on the couch immediately, and in his heart, he already knows nobody other than donghyuck will be standing outside in the rain.

what he sees when he swings the door open is an even bigger shock, though.

donghyuck's black hair is plastered to his head, droplets falling onto the concrete below him with a steady  _ drip, drip _ . his clothes cling to his figure in a similar manner, and jaemin catches him trembling ever so subtly.

eyes rimmed with crimson red, donghyuck looks up to meet jaemin's gaze, tears indiscernible from the total wetness of his face from the storm. immediately, jaemin's heart is thunderstruck, and he pulls the soaking boy out of the downpour and into the safety of shelter. he doesn't ask why donghyuck has come to his house now of all times or why his breath hitches with gentle sobs periodically; he just whispers sweet words of comfort until he doesn't even know what he's saying anymore, retrieving a towel and enveloping the trembling boy in its warmth.

jaemin leads him to the couch, letting him sit and keeping a warm hand on him until he leans closer, causing donghyuck's eyes to meet his own.

"are you okay?" this is the first thing jaemin asks, and donghyuck only wipes his eyes harshly, taking a deep breath.

"i'll be fine," is all he says. jaemin doesn't force him to say anything more, even when he feels something bubbling behind donghyuck's lips, desperate to escape.

_ just stay with me. _

and for the first time, he wonders if donghyuck ever finds himself sucked into torrential downpours and unrelenting waves, wonders if donghyuck will shatter the fragile ice of the frozen lake.

sometimes when jaemin hears his thoughts, flowers bloom in his chest with vivid rosy hues against a blank canvas. and god, something about it is so strikingly profound in the way the petals are so bright yet unfurl with a timid hesitance, loud but soft, and it’s so painfully lee donghyuck. jaemin feels it in all the honeyed words that float in his subconscious.

they come to him at any moment, any time.

“donghyuckie, you’ve been wearing that hoodie for 4 days now. please tell me you’ve been washing that,” he comments to donghyuck on an autumn evening as they walk home. his phone reads 7 pm, but he pays no mind, gazing towards donghyuck with an eyebrow raised. he’s met with a small huff of a laugh, the breeze rustling the boy’s dark hair gently. jaemin catches himself staring at the way he shakes away the strands that fall into his eyes, how his cheeks are tinted with the softest pink in the cold air that bites at their skin, the cheeky smile that makes its way onto his lips.

“does that bother you?” donghyuck prods, and jaemin purses his lips, turning his eyes back to nothing in particular. he looks cute in the hoodie, but jaemin doesn’t dare say it out loud, not even when he looks back and sees the indecipherable flicker in donghyuck’s eyes. instead, he gives him a small grin, tucking his hands into his pockets.

“i guess it doesn’t matter if you’ve been doing nothing for the past few days,” is all he says, and an expression of indignation morphs on donghyuck’s features, the shorter boy elbowing him lightly in the side. still, the two of them laugh, and jaemin feels an odd giddiness seeing his friend's face light up with amusement. he catches himself thinking about just how endearing donghyuck is in all his hushed laughter and large hoodies, and perhaps his heart beats just a little too fast at having him at his side.

jaemin barely hears the mumble in his head:  _ says the one who texted me the entire time i did 'nothing,'  _ donghyuck quips mentally.

(what jaemin doesn't catch, though, is the way donghyuck's flush grows ever so slightly darker in the darkness of the dusk.)

_ when jaemin falls asleep that night, he dreams of the woods, scents of pine and foliage wrapping around him. somewhere in the distance, the sound of ice shattering, his footfalls against the ground towards the sound, reaching into frigid waters to a pair of hands that extend out to his own. jaemin reaching past the surface, and his fingers barely brushing against the other hands. then, warmth. _

a phantom of sunlight dances upon jaemin's fingertips when he wakes up that morning, whispering words of promises just out of reach but still so tempting. he knows he doesn't need anyone else to tell him why his stomach has been clenching lately, or why particular images keep coming to his mind at random. he already has the answer no matter how many times he wills his heart to stay steady.

his thoughts go something like this.

a boy drenched in morning light, tired but facing the sun as if he had personally pulled it from below the horizon and slowly brought it up for the world to see. the sun, one and only.

the same boy standing in front of a convenience store, bundled in warm layers and breath coming out in crystal puffs. in one hand, he holds an ice cream bar, grinning as if he had pulled some witty prank by eating the treat in the middle of winter.

he stands again amidst a field of flowers now, the sound of insects buzzing around him and heat beating down relentlessly. even so, his smile never wavers, and he runs his fingers over golden petals with an unimaginable tenderness.

again, he resides in the border between shadows and light, unusually reserved and pulling the warm covers up even closer to himself. vulnerable, magnetic, ethereal but still so raw.

it's images like these that make jaemin think that he wants to see every side of donghyuck and feel every emotion donghyuck has to offer for him. and it's scary, at first. scary enough that when these thoughts plague his mind as they sit facing each other on the couch, donghyuck furrows his brows almost immediately. just earlier, they had been laughing at some anecdote about jaemin's recent misfortune with the stray cat that keeps finding its way into his home. but when donghyuck doubles over in laughter, back against the armrest and shoulders shaking with pure glee, jaemin's traitorous heart picks up speed; he tries to suppress the sensation, and donghyuck's giggles die out when he catches jaemin's unusually conflicted gaze.

"are you okay?" he asks tentatively, just like the words jaemin spoke to him with a storm raging outside, but all jaemin can think is that he isn't sure if he's okay. impossibly, donghyuck seems even more concerned at his silence.

"jaemin, something's on your mind. i know it, and you can't fool me." theres a quality of sharpness to his words. of course his best friend would know; lee donghyuck, who has spent countless days by his side.

"i'll talk to you about it eventually," jaemin sighs. "just not now. but i promise we'll talk."

and for a week or so, the promise hangs in the air, lingering and buzzing in his ears, yet he can't bring himself to bring it up. and it's a terrible feeling. for a few days of summer, jaemin gets little to nothing done. his sheets lay strewn across the bed that he falls back onto, seeking its comfort to make up for  _ something _ .

no, not something. he forces himself to face the facts, head pounding with stress from thinking about everything for so long. there's no hiding the way his heart stutters when donghyuck's brown eyes hold his own gaze for a few seconds too long. he can't run away from thinking about donghyuck's laughter, the way he always texts about whatever random occurrences happen each day, the way these texts have died down into almost nothing by the night of jaemin's fifth day of nothingness.

it's not like jaemin does nothing at all. extended periods of boredom are sure to drive him crazy, so he goes out on walks, takes pictures, throws together a meal or two. but if the creeping boredom isn't what pushes him over the edge, donghyuck will surely be his downfall.

_ did i go too far? _ he hears from donghyuck as he clears out dishes from the sink, and for a few brief seconds, his hands still in their motions and his heart drops.

jaemin comes to his senses, taking a deep breath. of course it's not donghyuck's fault, he thinks, setting a final plate back in its place. he's just too afraid.

but his phone buzzes on the countertop, and he feels the way it beckons him, the way his  _ heart  _ pulls him forward. the phone screen lights up, and all he can do is stare until the buzzing stops and snaps him out of his reverie.

_ 'missed call from  _ duckie ♡ฅ(ᐤˊ꒳ฅˋᐤ♪) _ at 9:34 p.m.' _

and his heart picks up speed again, even as he curses and shoves the phone in his back pocket, slipping on a pair of shoes and swinging the door open as fast as he can manage. he shuts it just as quickly, taking off into the night, street lamps staining the blanket of darkness with their yellow light over his head. he knows the way to donghyuck's house by second nature at this point, and he stands at his doorstep in no time. but before he can raise his fist to knock at the door, it swings open, and there stands lee donghyuck.

his hair is the mess of someone who has just rolled out of bed, and his eyes seem heavy, exhausted. there's a flare of recognition in them, then some sort of emotion; is it anger? disappointment?

then jaemin understands: desperation.

"come in," is all donghyuck says, and jaemin swallows, a harsh sort of feeling that burns down his throat. it hurts to see someone as bright as donghyuck become reduced to a waning light, and the guilt that had long wrapped around jaemin's stomach suddenly tightens. donghyuck turns, walking back into the house, and jaemin lurches forward like a man snapped out of a trance.

"donghyuck," he breathes, and the boy in question halts in his steps. his head moves towards jaemin as if unsure whether to face him fully or not, and he worries his lip before continuing back to his room again.

"jaemin, just..." donghyuck sighs, a weary noise, and jaemin's heart twists. "stop and let me talk."

so jaemin lets donghyuck lead him to his bedroom, and the two of them sit on the springy mattress. jaemin can't resist from fidgeting; he's being stared down, and that look returns to donghyuck's eyes, the one that screams how much he wants to say something but can't bring the words from his mind. except this time, he does say it.

"don't you think we're soulmates?"

jaemin stills and his gaze shoots up, searching his friend's face for any sort of clue as to what he means. soulmates? it's only something he's considered as some silly fantasy that he secretly wishes were reality, but donghyuck's eyes, ringed with dark circles, are nothing but serious.

"h-how would you know?" he manages to utter after seconds of shocked silence on his part, and the black-haired boy sitting in front of him furrows his brows. not towards jaemin, but rather, in dilemma. for the first time since he's arrived at donghyuck's house, his friend appears outwardly unsure, and jaemin feels a certain nervousness within himself at the display. still, donghyuck takes a deep breath, seemingly sure of himself.

"jaemin, i can sense the things you think about. and i don't mean that in a figurative way, i mean it  _ literally _ . i know how much you've been beating yourself up for the past few days over this," he states simply, voice growing a little faster. then, more gently: "this isn't your fault. just say it. say it while i'm here in front of you." a tentative hand reaches out for jaemin's own, and he lets donghyuck grasp it.

his thoughts are crashing down as he speaks. jaemin lets them. all he can think is that he must be a fool to never seriously consider that donghyuck could hear his thoughts the same way jaemin could hear his. all he can feel is the tightening of his chest as donghyuck meets his eyes so earnestly, an unusually vulnerable moment for the boy, and jaemin ducks his head.

"i'm sorry," he whispers, unbelievably gentle, and donghyuck's lips part in surprise. "i think i'm in love with you."

he worries that the confession has come to suddenly, but his heart will burst at the seams if he never gets it out now. he has never dared to speak or even think the words. there's always been the thought of donghyuck's magnetism and their closeness, and jaemin has never been scarce on showing his love, yet something about the word feels foreign on his tongue. maybe it's the fact that he's never used it in such a context, especially not to his own best friend, yet he can't stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth.

"i can hear you, too, and everything about it..." he trails off, but the expectation on donghyuck's face spurs him onwards. "i thought i was being an intruder on your mind at first, because someone's thoughts just aren't a place people should be. but then i kept hearing your voice and noticing more, and..." jaemin gulps.

"i would never do anything to make you upset on purpose, but when i realized what i was feeling, it felt like i couldn't even face myself." unconsciously, his grip on donghyuck's hand grows tighter, and he continues. "but one way or another, yes. i think we could be soulmates."

and he sees his hand reaching towards donghyuck's in his dream, pulling him out of the winter lake, the sun rising and bringing warmth to his heart.

he wraps the smaller boy in a hug without question. his heart is pounding, but donghyuck relaxes into his hold, and jaemin buries his face in closer. he doesn't know when they finally break apart, but when they do, he still doesn't let go of his hands.

"you know, then?" donghyuck asks, and jaemin doesn't need to hear his thoughts to understand what he means.

"i know, donghyuck. i heard it, too."

the smile returns to donghyuck's face, and jaemin finds himself following suit moments after, worry lifting from his shoulders. the sky clears and the two of them can finally breathe again. and to see that euphoria in donghyuck's eyes again, jaemin would pull the sun and moon across the skies for him just to hear those words for the rest of his life.

"i love you."


End file.
